you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
