eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
