he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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