Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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