i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
