I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
