Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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