Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
