I want to have your abortion
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
