Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
