Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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