We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
you made out with another girl for some wings
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
