Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
