when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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