we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
