I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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