you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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