Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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