As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
