I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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