I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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