I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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