You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
