I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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