all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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