Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
