I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
