I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
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