I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
