I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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