Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
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Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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