goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
