A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
