sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
