3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
