I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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