she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
