Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
