My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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