you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
