someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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