Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
