I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
