My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
