never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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