my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
