Got a toothbrush?
I hate your face
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
