If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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