Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
