I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
