3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i was born a porn star she said
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
