Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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