I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
