Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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