I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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