I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
