So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
