also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
